Torn
by chryseis dione
Summary: Noin has finally given up. After five years of struggling with a nearly emotionelss Preventer Wind, she's torn apart. Will she be able to leave him for good?


Torn  
  
  
Noin sighed as she stood in her quarters. She took a last look at the picture frame on the desk before turning it face down. "It's the last time," she reminded herself aloud. "The last time you are going to do this to yourself." Crossing over to the bed, she thought of the pictures. It showed two individual pictures of young people, official pictures. One was herself, and the other... The other was him. She glanced at the other picture in the frame. This was different from the somber mood of the other too. This one was a picture of two friends having a good time. A photo that captured pride, joy, accomplishment, a picture perfect relationship. "Oh Noin," she said to herself for the millionth time, "What a fool you are."  
  
{I thought I saw a man brought to life  
  
He was warm, he came around like he was dignified}  
  
The pictures betrayed the truth. On the outside, it was the perfect relationship. Every one remarked at how they were a cute couple, how adorable it was for two long time comrades to be together. And she, being the fool she was, had rejoiced. After so many years of struggling to understand, she thought she had broken that last barrier. She and Zechs Merquise had finally connected.  
  
He had a long road from his past to his future. After the whole White Fang incident, he was filled with self hatred and pain. The destruction of Epyon had nearly killed him. No, she decided. It had killed him. White Fang had killed the man she loved. The fall of Cinq had killed the man she loved. Milliardo Peacecraft murdered Zechs Merquise. Or was it the other way around? She had ceased to care, Noin admitted.  
  
{He showed me what it was to cry}  
  
How did it come to this? Tears threatened her once more. How ludicrous! The twenty five year old woman angrily yanked Kleenexes from the box, as if they were the object of her anger. Dabbing her eyes, she sank down in the middle of the floor of the small hotel. After all that, she was still crying about it. Why should she? It had been her who did the leaving. Angry words rushed back through her mind as she dabbed her eyes.  
  
{Well you couldn't be that man I adored   
  
You don't seem to know, don't seem to care what your heart is for}  
  
"Zechs, I'm sick and tired of this!"  
  
"Please, don't call me that," came the reply, cold and emotionless. Couldn't he show anything but anger?  
  
"I'll call you whatever I want. I've known you since you were seven."  
  
"I am no longer Zechs Merquise, I am Wind now. A new man." He stared out the window, right past her. She looked in his eyes and saw what he was staring at: Earth. The planet sparkled in Mars's dusky red sky.  
  
"No matter what you're name is, you're still the same man. The man I love, remember?"  
  
"All right, Noin." That was all he had to say to her. Lately, he had just given into her. They never had arguments or fights, unlike most couples. Surprisingly, that was what was tearing Noin apart. He never gave her any ideas, never showed initiative in their rather dull relationship. Preventer Wind was only a vague shadow of the man she once knew.  
  
{But I don't know him anymore}  
  
"Do you even know why I'm so upset?" she asked. It was a trick she used as a teacher, testing the listening and comprehension skills. She glared at her student, a look of warning on her face.  
  
"I don't know," the tall blonde man admitted. "Perhaps you are upset at me because I keep changing my name on you. That which we call a rose, by any other name would smell as sweet," he quoted evenly. It was from a great romantic work, something he must have expected to win her over. It wasn't working,  
  
"Yes, but that rose doesn't keep turning into another flower. The rose is always a rose. Why do I feel like I don't even know you anymore? You aren't the man I fell in love with. I don't like Preventer Wind. I want the old, caring, wonderful Zechs back."  
  
"Zechs Merquise is a murderer, Noin. I can't return to something like that. You understand, don't you?"  
  
"No, I don't," the raven haired woman began. "I'm sick and tired of 'understanding' you and everything you keep telling me. I've had it with all of your personalities. Everytime something happens to you, you abandon another part of yourself. When you left the name Zechs behind, maybe you lost the part that cared for me too."  
  
"Noin, please, don't get irrational."  
  
"Irrational? That's all you can say? Have a heart! Say something non logical for once." She stared him fiercely in the eye. Just say you love me, her mind raced.  
  
"Don't you think you're overreacting quite a bit? Let's go have some tea and.." She never let him finish.  
  
"No, I'm not overreacting. Maybe I'm just realizing the truth. I don't even know you any more. You're not my friend, not the man I love. Maybe it's time I left."  
  
"Leave? But you are needed here." I am? she thought. Staring at him in anticipation, she waited. All he had to do was say three little words... Come on, she willed him. But in the end, there was only disappointment. "Preventer requires you to be here for the project." That was the final straw. He could have said something like 'I need you'. or even 'please stay here with me.' No, he had to find some other, nonpersonal reason. That was it. She left the next day.  
  
{There's nothing where he used to lie}  
  
Picking herself up of the floor, she dragged herself over to her bed. No matter what she did, she kept expecting to see his sleeping form there as well. But her strange dreams remained unfulfilled. She supposed she should miss him. But strangely enough, Noin didn't. There wasn't enough left of Zechs Merquise to miss. He wasn't human enough any more. Or maybe he was too human...  
  
{My conversation has run dry}  
  
He had always been rather quiet, especially with those he didn't know. But with her, he had shared his thoughts, opinions, feelings, all the things that friends routinely do. As children, they had connected. But as they grew, war created a rift between them. Noin may have been combat trained, she was not a soldier of Zech's caliber. She couldn't devote herself to death and revenge. Life was Noin's forte. And she wanted to keep life in the relationship. But that was an exercise in futility. They had simply grown apart, blossoming from youth into two different, incompatible people.  
  
{That's whats going on, nothing's fine  
  
I'm torn}  
  
Her life had changed as soon as she stepped out the door, suitcase in hand. She was her own free woman, not tied down to an emotionally unsecure man. Every one had a breaking point, and this was it. No more trying to rehabilitate him. He would learn to care for himself. Maybe that would finally show him what he needed to do, what needed to happen. He had asked her to stay before she walked out, his manner as cold as usual. "Don't leave, Noin. We've always been together. You don't have to leave." But even though the words came from him, his eyes did not plead, his tone did not vary, and the man who had once been Noin's greatest love, she could tell, was gone.  
  
"I'm sorry, Wind," she told him, accenting his new name. "You're not the man I fell in love with. And you're slowly destroying me from the inside out. I'm leaving before this ruins both of our lives." With that, she had walked out, turned her back on her one and only best friend. Just like that. Never, in all her years, had she imagined that walking out would be so easy. But later, looking back, Noin thought that it was the walking that was easy, and the out was the hard part.  
  
{I'm all out of faith,}   
  
Faith had taken her through the hard times. It had sustained her while they were young. If there was one thing young Zechs and Noin shared, it was trust and faith. Each knew all the others secrets, even the most sacred or touchy things about them. Zechs never wore his mask around Noin, and Noin never hid her past from Zechs. Carefree days of a strange childhood passed, giving way to the pangs and passions of a young adult. Her first crush, she remembered. It almost made her laugh to look back. On her bed in the small hotel, a small giggle erupted, turning into tears as reality faded in.  
  
{this is how I feel   
  
'Im cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor}  
  
It was late at night when Noin at last woke up. She rolled over to look at her alarm clock, but fell clear out of bed. That was when she remembered that she was on a single bed. And that there was no sleeping from next to her to keep her safe and protected. There was no one. She felt so awful now. She had given everything to him, all her love and all of herself. Now she was left alone in an empty room with empty memories. A feeling of shame crept across her.  
  
{Illusion never changed into something real}  
  
She spent so much wasted time with him. That was what all of it had been. Noin kept expecting him to change back into the boy she knew in the early years, the sweet guy who gave her flowers on her birthday because he cared. He was the one that had dinner with her before he left to pilot the Talgeese and told her that he would be back for her. He was the one who became the man she knew he could be after Cinq was liberated. Zechs had his act together then. When Cinq fell, things changed. He disappeared and became Milliardo Peacecraft. And he hadn't recovered since. Now he was a strange shadow of himself."  
  
{I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn}  
  
A storm was brewing outside, the sky that had once been cloudy was now turning violent with wind and rain. Noin got up and walked over to the window to watch the front come in. She had always loved the rain, the way it rolled across the land, bringing the life giving rains to the earth. Lightning flashed, bringing back unpleasant memories of the Lightning count. She had to forget about him.  
  
{You're a little late,   
  
I'm already torn}  
  
His picture frame, their picture frame still sat on her desk. It may have been face down, but it was still there, haunting her. It was no consolation to her now, though. She picked it up and walked over to the window. Opening the wondow as the cold rain blew in, she slipped their picture out of the picture frame, leaving their separate pictures alone. Noin took the picture, crumpled it and threw it outside. That helped her anger a little bit. From the living room, she heard the phone ring. Slamming the window shut, the dark haired woman walked over and picked it up. "Hello, Wind and Fire here." It was after she said that that she caught herself. Force of habit, Noin told herself. That's all it was.  
  
"It's me, Sally. I heard that you stormed out and I wanted to check up on you."  
  
"Stormed? Is that what he's saying now?"  
  
"Yup. But not angry or anything. He just calls me out of the blue in that calm, cold voice of his and tells me that you stormed out with all of your stuff and sounded upset. So he wanted me to call and check in on you. So here I am, and I want to find out exactly what that jerk did to you this time."  
  
So I guess the fortune teller's right  
  
"Sally, I should have listened to you. You were right all along about him..." Noin let herself admit to it. It felt better now. Her partner never had quite liked Zechs, always distrusting him. She saw the coldness, she had him pegged. Sally knew that the old Zechs was never coming back. Countless times, she warned her friend that he wasn't worth trying for. But Noin had always told her that she believed that she could bring the old Zechs back.  
  
"My intuition was right on, wasn't it?" the honey blond woman asked.  
  
"Yeah, it was. I just couldn't take it anymore. He doesn't even care what happens to us. All he did was use me. Use me for my strength and my love. I was the one doing all the giving. But I tried so hard and I thought that is I tried hard enough, he would change."  
  
"People like him never change, Noin. He's seen too much, been through too much. Zechs is just going to keep hiding behind his names. But I think you're wrong on one thing. He does care about what happens to you."  
  
"That may be, but what he's forgotten is us. With him, it was always "you and I" instead of "us". And that's not what I need."  
  
"I know, Noin, I know. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I never really like that guy."  
  
{Should have seen just what was there and not some holy light}  
  
"You didn't know the way he used to be before, Sal. He used to be so wonderful."  
  
"What I'm worried about is not the way he used to be. It's the way he is now."  
  
"I know, I know. But I've finally left him. For good this time. I'm never going back either. I'm moving on with my life, maybe even coming back to Earth. But I have to get off of Mars."  
  
"I could pick you up," her friend offered on the other line. "I'll be swinging by on my way to Cinq. If you want, you could come to Earth with me."  
  
"That would be nice," Noin breather out in relief. "Thanks Sally. You really are a good friend."  
  
"Hey, glad to help you out. Take care of yourself."  
  
"You too." As they hung up, Noin looked back out her window. The picture was getting soaked and would be thoroughly ruined. Good.  
  
{To crawl beneath my veins and now   
  
I don't care, I have no luck, I don't miss it all that much}  
  
The next morning, Noin packed her suitcase again, this time to leave Mars forever. There was a strange feeling inside of her. She was leaving so much behind today. It seemed to stay there with her, the aura of her decision bothering her. Perhaps she should go and see him to say her final good-byes, tell him not to worry. Yes, she needed to get rid of him once and for all. After she had everything together, she picked up her suitcase and set out for the old apartment that she had shared with him.  
  
Once she was standing in front of it, her courage wavered. She walked up to the door and rang the doorbell. It wasn't long before the door swung open, revealing a perfectly unchanged man. Preventer Wind stood tall and perfect before her. His eyes widened with surprise, but quickly returned to normal. "I see you're back. Can we talk things out now?" His voice was unnervingly calm.  
  
"No, but thanks for the warm welcome," Noin interjected bitterly. "So glad you're happy to see me."  
  
"I am," he tried. "Please come in." He took her suitcase for her as she stepped inside. "I missed you last night." That caught her. It was the most human thing he had said to her lately. But she was bound and determined not to let it sway her.  
  
"I'm sure you did. But things can't go on the way they did. I came to say good-bye."  
  
"Good-bye, Noin?" he asked, puzzled. "I thought you were coming back home?" He held up the suitcase almost desperately. She just shook her head.  
  
{There's just so many things that I can't touch,}  
  
"I am going home. I'm leaving for Earth with Sally when she drops by. To start a new life for myself."  
  
"You don't have to go, you know. You can always stay..."  
  
"No, I can't," she cut him off. "Haven't you noticed that this isn't working out?"  
  
"What's not working out?" He took her suitcase into the dining room near the kitchen, then went and started making tea for the two of them calmly. Was that his solution to everything?  
  
"Us. There is no us... There's you and then there's me. But there's no us. And its too late to try to change that. You've lost touch with who you are and I've lost the man I love. I just came because I wanted to let you know the truth and where I was going." His silence made it seem as if he were accepting this. She just sat there and waited to see if he was still human enough to reply.  
  
"I'm sorry, Noin. I really am. I just hoped that you could take me as I am."  
  
{I'm torn}  
  
It hit her hard, but her resolve remained. "You're not the man I fell in love with, Wind." She stared at him for the longest time, until he sat a mug of steaming water with a tea bag hanging in it down in front of her.  
  
"I really am sorry," he repeated.  
  
"It's the way it has to be, Wind. I can't keep going like this."  
  
{I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel}  
  
"Very well then. So you're leaving for forever now, hm?"  
  
"Yes. This is good-bye." The whole conversation was so devoid of feeling. It was downright scary to Noin. They just didn't have the spark going anymore. Perhaps it was her fault as much as his.  
  
{I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor}  
  
"We have changed so much, Zechs. Can't you see it?" she set her cup down hard on the table. "Haven't you noticed the way we drifted apart? Can't you see the way that you've totally changed from a caring, bright, optimistic person with dreams for our future to what you are now: someone just waiting for someone else to pick them up and take them to where they want to go. And I've changed too. This used to be a mutual thing, and now it seems like I'm the one doing all the giving."  
  
{Illusion never changed into something real}  
  
She was picking up momentum now, glad that she could finally say exactly what she wanted. "You seemed so much like the Zechs Merquise that was so bright and wonderful, the person that everyone knew and loved. But then you changed, first as Milliardo Peacecraft, then as Wind. And I just refused to give up on you when you led White Fang. I thought I could still find that tiny part of you that was Zechs Merquise hidden in there somewhere. I saw it for one split second, when I was protecting Peacemillion. But after that split second, it was gone, and so were you. Then, as Wind, I was convinced that you were back. It seemed as if everything was going to be happily ever after at first. I got caught up in the emotion of it all and rejoiced. But you faded back into Milliardo Peacecraft again. You shut yourself off from those who loved you. You're not real, you're not Zechs Merquise."  
  
{I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn}  
  
He just stood there, his jaw flopped open at her show of emotion. After a while, he managed to sputter, "Y..Y... you're right."  
  
"I'm right? So you agree that it's completely over?"  
  
"No, I agree that I am no longer Zechs Merquise."  
  
"Oh stop it! Does it really matter what I call you? I've called you Zechs since I knew you, and I will call you Zechs as long as I want to."  
  
"Noin, maybe you should calm down a bit." That only made it worse.  
  
"Don't you care? Don't you care one bit?"  
  
You're a little late, I'm already torn.  
  
"Of course I do, Noin, don't be silly."  
  
"No, you don't," she shot back. "And I'll tell you why. It's because you refuse to put anything into this. You don't show emotions. You don't give anything. You just take and take. And now it's over and there's not going to be a fairy tale ending. Just a long good-bye." Her dark eyes looked down at the ground. "I don't even know why I bothered to come here."  
  
"Because you were still hoping that things would change, I guess."  
  
"Too little, too late, Wind." With that, she got up and walked out of the room. He followed her eventually, carrying her suitcase with him, not letting her leave him behind. He handed it to her and she opened the front door and held it open for a minute. "Farewell, Zechs Merquise. I really do love you with all my heart." She gave him a kiss, like the one they shared in the early years, when he was still the Lightning Count. Then, she smiled and continued bitterly. "But I can't stay with the man you've become. I know you're in there somewhere. And I know that you will understand even if the rest of you does not." She broke his embrace and turned away. "Good-bye, Wind. This is our last meeting. May you have a happy future without me in it."  
  
{Torn.}  
  
He watched her go out his door. Quickly, he called out after her. "Luci," his voice began desperately. "I understand. I... I.. love...." But he found that he could not say it. She just walked away. Looking down at his feet, his mood changed. "Why did I even do that. It's probably for the better." Noin just kept walking ,tears rolling down her face. What she had heard behind her was the last trace of Zechs Merquise. But she knew in her heart that, like all the other times, the moment was fleeting, and probably gone forever. She couldn't live like that anymore.  
  
{There's nothing where he used to lie}  
  
He was gone. He really was gone. She walked along, clinging to her suitcase desperately. After all that time she spent telling herself she wasn't going to cry.... Well, now there was nothing to cry about, she reassured herself as she dried her tears. The last part of him that was Zechs was gone now. It left with her. Deep inside, she knew that he had meant for that to happen. He had known somehow, and the last part of him that was human had given itself up before she left. And perhaps he really did understand. The part of him that grew up with her would tell the rest of him why.  
  
{My inspiration has run dry   
  
That's what's going on, nothings right,   
  
I'm torn}  
  
Everything she was living for was gone! She was finally free, just having herself to worry about. What would she do with her life? Preventer would reassign her, that was for sure. She would get a new partner, a new mission. Everything could start over. But Noin decided on one thing. She was not changing once bit. Not her name, not the way she acted, nothing. She would carry all of her experiences, pleasant AND painful with her. Because that was what kept her human.  
  
{I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel}  
  
"So you've given up on him at last?" Sally called to her from the car. Noin turned to her and smiled lightly. She walked over and opened the trunk to put the suitcase away. After it was safe in the cargo area, she went around and got in the other side of Sally's SUV.  
  
"Thanks again, Sal," she said to her friend as she fastened her seatbelt. "I still can't believe I did it."  
  
"Walked out on him? I can believe it. You had the courage Noin. And there's nothing left for you to stay. Your devotion and faith couldn't keep you there, there's just nothing left for you."  
  
"I'm so grateful, Sally. Thanks a lot for your confidence."  
  
{I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor}  
  
As they sat in the shuttle that was flying towards Earth, Noin looked back at Mars as it faded slowly over time. She really was feeling better now. The cold feeling of worry and shame was fading slowly. Something in her told her that everything was for the best. Deep inside her, she could almost feel the words that her friend and love Zechs Merquise had said to her a long time ago, over dinner. "We're taking chances, falling in love. We never know what could happen to either of us. And if we ever are separated, we've got to move on with out lives. Promise me that you'll survive."  
  
"I promise," she had answered. She had to keep that promise now. She had to leave it all behind and move on. With that, she put Wind in the back of her mind. The shell of the man that was her lover, her friend,and her companion faded away. She looked down at Earth. Home was waiting for her.  
  
{Illusion never changed into something real   
  
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn}  
  
Giving up felt so good now. She had finally gotten past the shell, gotten past the fact that her Zechs was truly dead and gone. As they landed in the shuttle, she noticed that it was raining. It rained and rained as Sally said good-bye and headed off to meet Wufei. Noin had her suitcase with her and looked down at it. There was something stuck in it, though. Something odd. It appeared to be a notecard, a simple notecard. She read it slowly, recognizing Zechs's handwriting. It was the careful penmanship he used to have back at the academy, not the scratchy scrawl that his writing had become.  
  
"Noin, I just wanted to say good-bye in my own way. I just hope that your path is smooth. I'm sorry I couldn't give you what you needed. I only wanted to say two things: I understand. And I love you." It was signed Zechs Merquise and dated on the day she walked out. She shook her head.  
  
{I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel  
  
I'm cold and I'm ashamed bound and broken on the floor   
  
You're a little late, I'm already torn}  
  
"Too late. It's too late for us. But maybe not too late for you or too late for me." She just kept walking through the airport with her suitcase. At last, she stepped outside The rain persisted, but she still walked out. The sky was clear, but still rain fell. It was so sunny, but the rain fell anyway. Despite everything, she found herself laughing out loud. She laughed and gradually began to cry. It felt so good just to have emotion. Noin stood there laughing and crying on a sunny, rainy day. She was getting absolutely drenched, but paid no mind until suddenly the rain stopped falling on her.  
  
"Hello Miss Noin," came a voice from behind her as the umbrella slid over her head. "What are you doing out in the rain?"  
  
"Quatre?" Sure enough, the blonde Arabian boy was standing behind her. He wasn't much of a boy anymore, though... He must be twenty one by now. Quatre had grown quite a bit and looked every bit like a full grown man. He had gained a lot of muscle and height! "How have you been lately?"  
  
"OK, I guess. I've been having some rough times, though. And you?"  
  
"Same here," she said, looking back at him. After a short pause, the blonde man spoke up.  
  
"Why don't we get in out of this rain and go get some coffee?" He smiled at her, and it brought back memories for her. She looked into his friendly blue eyes. They had emotion behind them, and there was something familiar. Suddenly, she placed it. 'He used to look at me like that. He used to look at me like that six years ago.'  
  
"Yeah, I'd like that."  
  
******  
  
"It's so great to see you Sally," Noin greeted her friend.  
  
"Good to see you to, Mrs. Winner," the honey blonde woman teased. "I still just can't believe it. Who would have thought? Quatre was with Trowa for so long, and no one ever thought you would leave Zechs...."  
  
"Yeah. I talked with Quatre for a long time after we got off the shuttle. We were having the same problem, Sal, the same affliction. Poor Quatre was the one trying to make everything work, and it wasn't working out. Something just wasn't right about it. So he left and came here. And then we found each other. It took us long enough, but we got it all figured out in the end."  
  
"Well, you're happy now, aren't you?" Noin looked up at her maid of honor.  
  
"I am. I'm truly happy." She looked over to where Preventer Wind stood. He had congratulated her on her wedding calmly. And she had been kind, civil, and cool. Now, the whole future was ahead of her. She was not torn anymore. Zechs Merquise's spirit lived on in someone else. And unexpectedly, Noin found herself laughing and crying at the same time again....  
  
  
Disclaimer: Well, it's everyone's *favorite* part, the mandatory disclaimer. Believe it or not, everyone here belongs to those who created the truly wonderful people who have proven to be inspiration for so many of us abnd make appearances in this fic. All we are doing is interpreting them and using them to express ourselves. I don't own them or the song, nor do I profit from them. Therefore--- you can't sue me!  
  
Author's Note:  
Just to let everyone know: I am a huge 6x9 fan, all my serious gundam wing stories are 6x9! I love Zechs and Noin and am a thoroughly devoted fan. However, there's a dark side to certain things sometimes. That's what I wanted to get across here. Thanks for all your comments! I'll try to revise some more when I have more time. 


End file.
